Losing my mind....

Well its been a rough couple of days for me. Wednesday I had physical therapy and they started the de-sensitization therapy and let me just tell you that it is as unpleasant as the therapist said it would be..They started by using the petroleum balm and rubbing it on the calf and foot. All I can say about that is that I wanted to vomit right there on her table. I made it through like a trooper though. My wonderful hubby took me to a nice lunch afterwards :) Always a plus..Well it was a very busy and eventful day and wore me out. My leg was so purple and sensitive and hurt so bad. That night I laid on the couch and watched Chicago Fire and played PS3 with the hubby. Even though it was a very rough day, it ended very nice :) :)

Thursday was no exception, it was a HORRIBLE day for me. I woke up and got my daughter off to school and got myself ready to go get myself pampered at the hair salon :) Every girl needs to feel pretty once in awhile and with this horrible monster, its not often enough. I decided to stop at the store to get a Dr Pepper. So I park, get out of the car and get my crutches, then hop on it to the store. Unfortunately I love getting fountain drinks but cant because I have no way to carry it to my car. So I settle for a bottle of Dr.Pepper, I pay for it and as I am crutching to the door, the cashier is nice enough to come and hold the door for me :) Wish there were more people like that. But her kindness really hit a nerve with me. As I got into my car, I broke down and cried. At that point, I finally had my breaking moment. It was then that I realized that even the smallest task, takes so much energy and makes me exhausted. It was then that I realized how much I hated life right then, in that moment in time. I hated that I cant make dinner without having the help of my 4 year old or my husband, that just about the only cleaning I can do is washing my dishes!! Im a very anal person when it comes to my house and how clean it is! Im picky on the way I like it cleaned and here I am, now unable to do it! I cried some more.. I cant wash laundry because I am unable to get down into my garage, in my room I cant get dressed because I cant get on my bed alone because it sets too high and I have no where to sit down to get ready, so I have to get my clothes and pray that I dont fall trying to get them and not having my cell phone to call for help! Its so frustrating because you feel like a helpless 5 year old. Having to get dressed in my bathroom, and not being able to get my dirty clothes into the bedroom to the dirty clothes hamper.
A plus to the day, was my little sister and her boyfriend coming over and bringing my absolutely adorable nephew over to see me and have dinner. Its moments like this that make me feel much better. :)

This monster that I am battling with is absolutely horrible! Being in pain all the time, is the worst thing ever! I am so lucky to have the support that I do, but I can say the one thing thats missing is my mom. As I said in my previous blog, your never too old to need your mom.

The purpose of this blog is to let people know first hand how this horrible thing affects a person, not only physically, but mentally as well. My hubby never really knows how much pain Im in because I know I need to be strong and try to do as much as I can so that my daughter knows that Im still alive. I dont want this monster to overcome me, but somedays its really hard to be strong. I just do what I have to do.

Today I go back to the ortho for my follow up from surgery, so Im interested to see what he has to say about all of this. I definately wish that I had never had this 2nd surgery.

(((Gentle Hugs)))
Kim